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Tuesday’s loss to the Boston Celtics proved that it’s almost impossible to beat a team full of aliens, one tall, the other old. They intimidate, swarm, and always seem poised to kidnap Moondog, put him in a cryogenic freezing chamber, and keep him there for a decade alongside a collection of dairy cows.

We watched in horror as Tall Alien gushed us for 28 points, 8 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 steals. He also inserted some sort mind control device into Lebron, causing him to play like the illegitimate child of Buck Williams and Toni Kucoch. ...

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In the last seven days, the Cleveland Indians compiled a depressingly mediocre record of 2-4 despite starting pitching that ranged from slightly better than good (C.C.) to absolutely superb (Aaron Laffey). It’s the offense and the bullpen that sunk to new levels ineptitude. That being said, here at C-Notes we like to stay positive about the Tribe. With that spirit in mind, we’d like to recognize the following three players for contributions they made to the team in the last week.

Casey Blake: Last week: .143 BA, .238 SLG, 7 SO, 1 BB, 1 RBI, 2 Errors
We originally wanted to congratulate Blake on the apparent success of a recent surgery that replaced his arms with solid blocks of wood, a procedure we thought explained his inexcusably bad defense, multiple errors, and complete inability to swing the bat. ...

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We want to hate Brendan Haywood, we do. But when you think about it, dude got us some cheap-ass pizzas. Quite the dilemma.

Hey, remember last week, when the Cavs were playing some team full of crazy assholes, and Soulja Boy was there, and some guy with an unpronounceable name smacked Lebron, and somebody called him a crybaby, and then Lebron exploded into a Jordanesque beacon of shock and awe that destroyed Round 1 forever?

Yeah, us neither. But as the Cavs move on to destroy the hopes and dreams of another city — one where the sports fans are so stupid they burn the place down when they do well — we just found out that there remains some unfinished business from Round 1. And it’s up to the regular people of Northeast Ohio to take care of it, and it’s certainly a task we can handle: eating impossibly cheap pizza. ...

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"Man, I hope we don't win! I can't afford to go on Paxil!"

In advance of tonight’s second-round opener between the Cavaliers and Celtics, a blogger and former Clevelander penned a piece today suggesting that Cleveland fans would not be any happier – truly more content – if the Cavs somehow beat the odds, dispatched of Celtics, and went on to win the title. In fact, judging by his title, we’d be even “more depressed.” Because apparently we’re all depressed.

He used to live here, I guess, and recalls how desperately Clevelanders thirsted after a championship. He says Cleveland believes that a title will bring it great, lasting joy, sort of like the time Ben Roethlisberger fell of his motorcycle, but with more confetti. And he says that we’re wrong to feel that way.

“To think that my team winning is going to give me more than a short term buzz is just foolish,” he writes.

Forgetting that his premise – that Cleveland believes any more than any other sports town that a title will bring it genuine joy – is pretty flawed, I’d argue that he’s really, really wrong. ...

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Only Cleveland could have produced a character as splendiferously vindictive as Don King. A Kent State dropout and former local numbers-runner, King killed two people in our fair city (one was ruled self-defense, the other manslaughter) before breaking into the boxing racket as a ruthless promoter — or, more appropriately, a pugilistic embezzler. From Larry Holmes to Mike Tyson, King has spent the last 30 years confusing and trapping pudding-headed boxers into surrendering their winnings. Even Muhammad Ali, one of the shrewdest men to step into a boxing ring, got stiffed and manipulated by this ultimate conman.

How do we know all this? We just got the DVD of the HBO biopic Don King: Only in America, starring Ving Rhames with a Bride of Frankenstein ‘fro. ...

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Judging by the way you’re burning that Paul Revere oil painting while your buddy paints your entire body wine and gold, you’ve heard that tonight the Cavs and Celtics are kicking off Round 2. We were eternally pleased to see that Cleveland got Boston, not for any super-strategical reason, but because it gave us a tenuous excuse to play the above youtube clip. See, Delonte West was on the Celtics when he filmed this get-to-know-the-player video. And while most players take these types of opportunities to describe their cherry-red Mercedes Benz or shout-out their publicist, West solidifies his reputation as one of the wierdest dudes in the NBA. Take his answer to the standard “What will you be doing in twenty years?” question:

“Twenty years from now, you’re going to see me riding in a drop top hummer buck naked with some ankle socks on and a headband on—Boston Celtics headband on—standing up driving from Boston to California. That’s what I’m going to be doing.”

But see for yourself: ...

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Step 5: Find DeShawn Stevenson's Gatorade, and ...

The Cavs blew a golden chance on Wednesday to seal up the Wizards series at home and wait for the Boston Celtics to dispatch of the Atlanta Hawks. Instead, the series, now 3-2 in Cleveland’s favor, is heading back to Washington with momentum seemingly on the side of the Wizards.

That being said, I think the Cavs wrap up the series tonight and finally take care of business. Here are some things that must happen for that for them to be playing Game 1 in Boston on Sunday instead of Game 7 here, which would, as they say, suck. ...

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(Editor's note: This blog more or less reinforces every criticism of the blogosphere and its lack of credibility. But f**k it! Making s##t up is fun!)

On Tuesday night, Bob Costas hosted a town-hall meeting on HBO regarding the state of sports and the media. The now infamous program, at least among nerdy internet types, featured a section on the role of bloggers, which you can see in the above video. Will Leitch, editor of Deadspin.com, Buzz Bissinger, author of Friday Night Lights, and Braylon Edwards, wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns, were the members of the roundtable that debated, among other things, Rich Garces' tits, Matt Leinart’s beer bong, and somebody named Big Daddy Balls. Thought-provoking stuff.

Why the hell Braylon Edwards was up there debating blogging is beyond us, and probably beyond you, since he really couldn’t get a word in edgewise after Buzz ambushed Leitch. In fact, Braylon didn’t get to speak for the first eight minutes of the segment. ...

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DeShawn Stevenson, the outspoken Wizards guard who just accrued a $25,000 fine, was photographed outside the Ritz yesterday in a Michael Vick jersey and backwards Falcons hat.

As you know, Stevenson’s been carrying a feud – at least the effete basketball version – with LeBron since the Cavs-Wizards series started. Now, in addition to his sin of rocking the 1973 beard, it appears he also enjoys torturing dogs. He’s also believed to hate his mom and ice cream.

Oh you’re bad, DeShawn Stevenson. So, so bad. Click here for his flimsy explanation. And click on the video above to see how real men properly conduct a feud. (Hint: It does not involve leaving tickets for Soulja Boy at will call.) – Rebecca Meiser.

Get out of our heads, Jason Kapono. You're making it smell like vanilla in here.

Watching the Cavs lose last night via a Caron Butler lay-up over LeBron James sure dampened the mood of those bowling at Twin Lanes. Even the lovably grumpy twin owners were further downtrodden.

It was the sudden nature of the implosion that caused the agony. After many dog barks when the Cavs grabbed a solid five-point lead late in the fourth, the hardy group of PBA wunderkinds witnessed something we are not supposed to witness: LeBron failing to make the winning shot. ...

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As our resident anguish-stricken Cleveland sportswriter has pointed out, the man we once revered as Pronk is beginning to look a lot like Paul Sorrento. Which is frustrating, because if you study old photos of Municipal Stadium, you’ll notice there’s no seating section called Sorrentoville.

Travis Hafner is well aware of his struggles. On Tuesday afternoon before the game against Seattle, he sat by his locker, wearing an ancient Wrestlemania t-shirt, and chatted about his woes. As is always the case with baseball slumps, the hitter provided few answers.

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I used to look at Travis Hafner standing at the plate and see something like this. Now, all I see is this. That’s right Wahoos, that’s Paul Sorrento, the Indians’ first basemen and sometime DH from 1992 to 1995. And while the first image might be scarier for pitchers to glare down in the batter’s box, that monster is gone. The latter is even more frightening for Tribe fans, considering Hafner’s recent and continued implosion in the batter’s box. ...

Is it time to write the obituary for Pronk? ...

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Browns receiver Braylon Edwards will participate in the Bob Costas “State of the Sports Media” roundtable tonight in New York. The HBO special (it first airs at 10 p.m. tonight) includes Costas, Will Leitch of Deadspin, Detroit Free-Press’ Mitch Albom, ESPN and Washington Posts’s Michael Wilbon, the Kansas City Star’s Jason Whitlock, and the Chicago Sun-Times’ Jay Mariotti, among others.

Braylon’s segment centers on the topic of “the internet and the impact of sports bloggers.” Now, I’m not exactly sure why Edwards was chosen to represent “the athlete” in this particular discussion, but I can only assume it’s because he’s a daily reader of C-Notes and has many good things to say about us. Either that, or he was already in New York and had nothing better to do.

Hopefully we’ll get a ton of interesting tidbits regarding Clevo media, although they’ll probably come in very couched and nonspecific terms. I generally think Braylon comes across as one of the good guys, and beyond that, a very well spoken and educated young man. So, if he’s got opinions on sports bloggers, I’d sure love to hear them. – Vince the Polack

The Latest Sign of Impending Doom: Jay-Z is finally getting in on the whole LeBron v. DeShawn duel, which, it turns out, is good for LeBron but bad for your ears. You’ll recall, if you’re as bored as us, that after Wizards chucker DeShaun Stevenson called LeBron “overrated,” LeBron responded by comparing himself to Jay-Z and Stevenson to Soulja Boy, to which Stevenson responded by bringing Soulja Boy to Washington to sit in the front row for the series. Superman that, ho! ...

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Lakewood’s Winking Lizard masquerades as a mini-Quicken Loans Arena tonight, when the Cavs take on the Washington Wizards in Game 3 of the NBA playoffs. As host of the post-season’s first official “Cavaliers Watch Party,” the bar will broadcast the game on its widescreen TVs while the Cavs Girls dance troupe and mascots Moondog and Ahmaad pump up the fans for the 8 p.m. tipoff. ...

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