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Listen, Public Radio, I’m a fan, particularly on Friday nights at 9 p.m. A time once dedicated to passing out drunk in a giant tractor-shovel on Euclid Avenue, I now spend those nights at home, listening to a show about the science of things like laughter, placebos, and sleep. Truth be told, I always thought science was for pussies, but somehow the hosts, Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich, make PhDs sound amazing and interesting, like the Dixie Chicks.

And then there’s Diane Rehm. Here's a woman who, despite a voice condition that makes her sound like wobbly record played at half speed, actually makes political candidates and pundits answer questions intelligibly. Her show explains terms that get thrown around like holey Nerf footballs, phrases like “sub-prime” and “enhanced interrogation techniques.” She even explained to us lay folks how Columbia, Venezuela, and Ecuador avoided conflict through tenuous diplomacy.

The bottom line is, I want to make love to Diane Rehm on a steamboat. I don’t know why, but I do.

With all that said, there is one small thing I just don’t understand: What is the deal with your show “Pledge Drive.” It is a very boring show. It is not fun, nor engaging. Today, all it gave us was the impression that buying a coffee mug for $90.30 is a good idea. Honestly, what gives?

And I find it strange that the sooner I give you money, the sooner the show disappears. Why not just remove it entirely? If you’re short on programming, just fill it in with an epic documentary by Ken Burns, or maybe a “Car Talk” marathon. Do anything but continue “Pledge Drive.” It has a devastating effect on me, forcing me to relapse into Opie and Anthony brain comas. I don’t want to turn back into my former self.

Please, Public Radio, stop this at once. My life depends on it.

Sincerely,

Bradley Campbell
Loyal Fan