Blogs

Most people living in this century realize that, as birth-control methods go, ordering your kids to not have sex is about as effective as urging freshly inseminated sperm to "Turn around! No! The other way!" But the good folks at the National Abstinence Education Association just haven’t caught on yet.

For years, groups like theirs have spent barrels of state and federal money on abstinence-only education, despite the fact that no one’s sure such programs actually, um, work [“Keep Out!” November 3, 2004].

But last summer, Ohio Governor Ted Strickland shut down the no-sex party, striking from the state budget a requirement that taxpayer sex-ed money be spent on the chastity-only programs. Now, the Plain Dealer reports that a National Abstinence group is lobbying to get the money restored.

"We are compelled to make Ohio citizens and parents aware of the tragic decision Gov. Strickland made to eliminate a clear abstinence message for teens,” said Valerie Huber, the group’s executive director.

Translation: Throw us some dough, people. Soon. Or you will have some very poor, very frustrated virgins to deal with. -- Lisa Rab

For you downers who were upset about Cleveland falling from number one to number four in the “poorest city rankings,” here’s a stat that might cheer you: In a first-time ranking of the most and least depressed states, Ohioans have been named the seventh most depressed. (If you believe Men's Health, it's probably because we don't drink enough.)

Mental Health America, which issued the report, studied state statistics on depression and suicide rates from 2002 to 2006, and concluded that living in a state with approximately one month of sunny weather makes you want to desperately jump off of a tall building. According to the report, many, many Ohioans have experienced “serious psychological distress,” and at “least one major depressive episode in the past year.”

We’ll drink to that! -- Rebecca Meiser

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

Today's brief refuge from those damn TPS reports is brought to you buy the Onion, and Brian, the fat kid who refused to take off his shirt. -- Joe P. Tone

Sources say Britney Spears bet NPR's Ken Tucker that he would never review her album. The loser had to shave his or her head.

NPR is best known for broadcasting bedtime stories about striking female cab drivers in Pakistan. Which is why, listening to the station while driving yesterday, I almost hit a tree when they aired a review of Britney Spears’ newest opus. Like the New York Times reviews of Lil’ Wayne in which they call him Mr. Carter, Ken Tucker’s dissection of an eight-babied white trash queen’s work is hilarious because it’s somebody really smart talking about something really dumb. The glowing review is clearly written by a man having his first experience with Timbaland, and contains such gems as “It tickles my ears to listen to the clever use of technology,” noting an auditory appreciation of “witty jingle-jangles and an inexorable, irresistible beat.”

“From the trade music publications I read,” Tucker relays, “[it’s] a good dance club album, for those of you that go out at night and use music for fun and courtship.”

I won’t ruin it all for you, though—you’ll have to listen yourself. Just in case, first find some Saran Wrap and barf-proof your keyboard. -- Gus Garcia-Roberts

The editors of Men's Health have named our fair city everything from stupid and stressed-out to fat and toxic.

But nothing offends like the title they'll be dropping on Cleveland in next month's issue: the 16th most sober city in the country, which is kind of like saying LA is one the cleanest cities in America, or Parma one of the safest. (Oh, wait ...)

And how did Men's Health come up with this blasphemous accusation? According to a Plain Dealer article, the magazine devised its rankings by comparing national data on everything from alcohol-related deaths (from things like liver disease), drunken-driving arrests, and MADD regional report cards.

But it appears that Men's Health has a bit of trouble analyzing data, or else they would have taken into consideration a few key factors about Clevelanders. For one, we don't die of liver disease, because we aren't pussies. (OK, we probably get do liver disease. But we don't bother to tell anyone). We're professionals when it comes to driving drunk -- plus, our police officers have bigger concerns than Wes and Wendy West Side driving home from the bar, like murder. And our mothers don't whine about drunks, because they're too busy getting smashed with us.

C-Notes firmly demands a retraction to this libelous, false accusation. To the editor's of Men's Health: You can find us at Little Bar if you'd like to apologize in person. Shots of Jameson on you. -- Denise Grollmus

When we’re not downloading new Wu-Tang tracks, catching up on what Zooey Deschanel’s been doing lately, or, you know, working and stuff, we spend most of our 9-to-5 checking out online PSAs. The above is our current fave, courtesy of prevent-it.ca, some sort of bat-ass crazy workplace safety group out of Canada. -- Michael Gallucci

Rumors of an eight-month wait notwithstanding, it’s still possible to snag a table at Lola, Michael “Iron Chef” Symon’s flagship restaurant on E. 4th St. Just don’t plan on getting in at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night.

Following Symon’s ascension to the position of Next Iron Chef – and his first televised victory, on Nov. 18, as defender of Kitchen Stadium – Lola has become a top destination for foodies far and wide. As a result, prime-time dinner hours are pretty much booked up through mid-January.

But for diners who simply must have those beef-check pierogies, crispy sweetbreads, and smoked Berkshire pork chops with cheesy polenta, there are alternatives. For instance, consider a late-night visit, after 10 p.m. or so; as of today, at least, such tables were still available. Or consider dining on a weeknight: Mondays and Tuesdays are historically less hectic. Or be daring, and just stroll on in; in case of a last-minute no-show, you could get lucky. And if all else fails, belly up to the handsome bar, where seats can be had on a first-come, first-served basis.

Skipping dinner and aiming for lunch is yet another option, although staffers report the walk-in trade is growing fast. Still, we had no trouble scoring hypothetical reservations via Open Table for two people at 1 p.m. on Dec. 5.

And, finally, if your schedule is flexible, consider getting on the waiting list; in case of cancellations, staffers will give you a call. --- Elaine T. Cicora

Isn't there some law or governmental rule that required County Commissioner Tim Hagan to recuse himself from the vote for the county sales tax increase, because of his close relationship with the Kennedy family, who would profit from this Medical Mart they would own?

Hagan is godfather to a Kennedy child or something like that and certainly he is very close to them. If he had recused himself from that vote, then it would have failed, since Jimmy Dimora voted for it and Peter Lawson Jones voted against it.

Mike Hoffer

Somebody posted this on FunnyOrDie.com. Thank God for somebody. -- Joe P. Tone

Yesterday, The Plain Dealer published a front-page article on recent census results that found that Latino surnames Garcia and Rodriguez have creeped into the top 10 most common surnames in America. The PD, never one to pass up a chance to be cutesy — this is the same paper that provided cut-out midge masks after bugs swarmed against the Yankees — gave the story to a guy named Smith, who began the article, “Congratulations Garcia and Rodriguez. Welcome to the club.” Robert Smith then extolled some of the hassles of having such a common name — like ordering pizza.

“If a surname signifies numbers in America,” Smith continued, “you and other Latinos have made a lasting mark.”

Hey PD: Thanks, man. I’ll watch out for the pizza shit, esse.

Understand what I did there? See, my name’s Garcia (forget about that Anglo shit after the hyphen; I just use that to get tables at fancy restaurants). So I, Latino Last Name Guy, responded to Smith, Common White Dude Name Guy. Trust me -- it was historic.

Of course, the real story is the comments posted in response on the PD’s website. Sort of like wearing a leather gimp suit and waving a gay pride flag outside of the Westboro Baptist Church, mentioning Latinos in Cleveland is bound to spark a healthy, reasoned debate. Good ol’ “rael1” kicked off the roundtable with, “I wonder how many of those are legal immigrants?." Noted pundit “Chappell” then started his rant engine slowly, with “I don't hate Mexicans but they really have no business here when we have so many issues that need to be worked out among ourselves.” He blasted into third gear for his next comment, mimicking a foreign accent and declaring, “Yes, you be a like Native Americano a defeated people. We kick a you butt and take a you land. Now go away!”

You see what happens you try to publish a nice, cutesey article, PD? Readers sign on and denigrate Native-Americans and Mexicans, typing with an inadvertently Italian accent. You just can’t win. -- Gus Garcia-Roberts

A business lunch at an elegant boîte is always a nice treat – if you can afford being away from your desk for two or three hours. So cheers to the staff at Table 45, the swell salon in the InterContinental Hotel featuring chef Zachary Bruell’s award-winning world cuisine, for making mid-day indulgence as time-efficient as it is delicious.

Their solution? “Lunch in 45,” a four-course combo featuring soup, salad, entrée, and dessert -- each individually plated, but presented all together, thereby eliminating that time-consuming lag between courses and getting you back in your desk chair before the boss even knows you’ve been gone. (Unless, of course, you are the boss, in which case we recommend ordering another martini or two.)

The four-course combo changes daily, but a representative roundup might feature tomato bisque, fresh greens tossed in tangy lime-cilantro dressing, a smoked salmon sandwich with brie, and Amaretto-orange cheesecake. The cost is $16, and the combos are offered Monday through Friday starting at 11 a.m. In the interest of efficiency, substitutions are not available.

And yes, valet parking is now free. – Elaine T. Cicora

The Columbus Dispatch reported yesterday that Ohio lawmakers are having their least productive year in a decade, which is sort of like saying Jason Priestley is a worse actor than he was in 1997. Yet, as hard as it is to believe, it’s actually true. In the past six months, the Ohio House has met only 10 times. The Ohio Senate isn’t much better, meeting only 12 times over the same time-span. That’s not a bad work schedule, if you’re a firefighter recovering from 1st degree burns over your entire body. Unfortunately for state lawmakers, who are paid a base salary of $58,933, they don’t have such an excuse. And don’t think they’ve just learned to be more efficient with their time. The state legislature has passed just 27 bills into law this year. That’s half the number of bills passed in 2005, and one quarter the number passed in 2001.

Confronted with such a dismal report card, you’d expect Ohio House Speaker Jon Husted, a Republican from Kettering, to offer some long-winded explanation, leaving you confused yet unable to argue with him. But he was apparently feeling a bit uninspired himself when interviewed by the Dispatch reporter. “There’s just not a lot of things ready,” he said. “I don’t really have a more extensive reason than that.” Husted even questioned whether not doing anything was actually a bad thing. “Believe me,” he said, “you may not be so excited about some of the things that people might want to move on the floor.”

Paying politicians to do nothing? The idea’s so crazy, it just might be brilliant. The only thing left to figure out is how we can avoid paying them at all. -- Jared Klaus

Bay Village singer-songwriter and MySpace fave Kate Voegele will have a recurring role on tween hit One Tree Hill starting on January 22.

The 20-year-old Voegele will play a singer-songwriter in several episodes. She’ll also perform songs from her debut CD, Don’t Look Away. Voegele’s character steps into the spotlight after her old band’s frontman becomes a real prick. The dude is played by Britney Spears’ ex, Kevin Federline, who probably didn’t have to study much for his role. -- Michael Gallucci

This time, Neil Diamond impersonator Theron explains why you should sing "Sweet Caroline" with him this weekend.

Band: Black Diamond Show
Website/Myspace: www.myspace.com/blackneildiamond or www.blackdiamondvocals.com
Hometown: Kalamazoo
Sounds like: "Neil Diamond"
Recommend for fans of: "Neil Diamond and feel-good tunes."
Fun fact: "The planet's ONLY African-American Neil Diamond tribute singer."
Playing Where/When: Saturday, December 1 at Around The Corner Cafe (186120 Detroit Ave., Lakewood, 216-521-4413) http://atccafe.com/
Why They Should Come See You: "It's a cool show,with serious emphasis on Mr. Diamond's great songs!" -- Theron, vocalist

In May, we brought you the story of Ramani Pilla, the Case Western statistics professor who struggled to advance in her department and was eventually caught sending hate mail ... to herself. Last winter, she told investigators that her colleagues were sending her threatening letters in retaliation for a discrimination complaint she had filed. She later admitted sending the letters herself, and pleaded guilty to making false statements to the FBI.

In court documents, her lawyer argued that Pilla was “struggling with serious mental health issues” when she reported the hate mail, and was even involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric ward. Morris Goldman, a colleague of Pilla’s and a psychiatry professor at the University of Chicago, even suggested that Pilla’s crime may have been prompted by the medication she was taking at the time.

But prosecutors weren’t ready to let her off that easy. They argued the letters were a calculated hoax, the professor’s way of responding to what she felt was unfair treatment by the university. Earlier this month, U. S. District Judge David Dowd sentenced her to six months in prison, and ordered her to repay $66,000 to cover the cost of investigating her claims. She’s set to begin serving time in January. -- Lisa Rab