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We Read America's Worst Columnist, Sam Fulwood III, So You Don't Have To...

Headline: A wake-up shout for a troubled city

Date: March 29, 2007

Topic: As reported two days earlier by City Hall reporter Susan Vinella, Sam writes that black members of Cleveland's City Council are tired of being blamed for everything. He then rattles off all of Cleveland's problems, because nothing fills up 500 words faster.

Originality: 2/10. Shockingly, this was entirely new ground for Sam. A review of previous Fulwood Watch entries reveals that he's never before ripped off Susan Vinella. He's branching out, people!

Difficulty: 5/10. Sam painfully recreates Councilwoman Sabra Scott Pierce's outburst at Monday's meeting, giving the distinct impression that he had left his house to attend the meeting. Fulwood Watch was about to draft a press release to announce this groundbreaking discovery — "Local metro columnist leaves house for something other than Stuffed Crust Pizza�" — but then a real reporter pointed out that the meetings are televised. Still, when measured in Standard Fulwood Energy Units, changing the channel from How I Met Your Mother is akin to a regular reporter infiltrating a Baghdad prison. Five points to Sammy!

Sam Gets Poetic: "The normally reserved Cleveland city councilwoman suddenly pushed back from the table and stood up to maker herself larger. Her eyes blazed. Her fingers waggled in the air. Her voice trembled with rage. ... Suddenly, that handsome blond fellow who used to play Doogie Howser entered the bar, hit on a pretty white woman, and had a drink thrown in his face. The studio audience roared. Wait? Did I change it back to How I Met Your Mother again? Damn it!"

The Master Has Spoken: "You can hear it, too, if you care enough to listen to what so many of those living in Cleveland's black communities are saying." Really. You can. Just go to Tower City or something. Sam, for one, will be in Shaker Heights where it's safe.

What Sam Reveals About Sam: Somebody taught him how to dial out.

CliffsNotes Version: Hmm. Interesting. Says here that the black folks on the city council are all upset about something. Too bad this newspaper doesn't have a black columnist to rip off this girl's reporting and eek out a shitty column interpreting these angry black people for all the ignorant honkies out there. Wonder why that Phil Morris isn't on this one?

Wait a second! Aren't I ... [Running to mirror] ... I am! I'm black! And aren't I ... [Googling himself] ... I am! I'm a columnist! A black columnist!

But wait. I can't just copy and paste this woman's story into a column. Last time I did that the bosses liked it so much they tried to give me a raise. I don't need that kind of pressure.

What if I just ... [Googling "everything that sucks about Cleveland"] ... yes! That's it! I can just paste everything that's wrong with Cleveland into a column, sprinkle in some quotes from the councilwoman, add a dash of excessive adjectives, and Voila! A ready-made column!

No wonder that Morris kid is still writing for Opinion. He's got no hustle, I swear.

Springtime always brings a crop of food-related benefits. Here's three to consider:

The Greater Cleveland Chili Cook-Off from 6 to 9 p.m., April 17, at the Terrace Club at Jacob's Field: This is the second year for the event, which benefits the Autism Society of Greater Cleveland. The draw, of course, is the chance to sample dozens of chilis -- mild to hot, meaty to vegetarian -- cooked up by a crew of both amateur and professional range riders. Among the pros, look for Michael Longo (ML, Bainbridge), Larry Coffman (Blue Canyon Kitchen, Twinsburg), and Nolan Konkoski (Momocho, Ohio City). Among the judges: Nick Kustala (Lure, Willoughby), Shawn Monday (Downtown 140, Hudson), Ben Bebenroth (Spice of Life Catering), Brian Doyle (World's Fare Culinary), and yours truly. The suggested donation of $15 not only gets you plenty of red, but also live entertainment, door prizes, and a chance to win a ride on the Goodyear blimp. Cash bar. Order tickets online, or by calling 216-556-4937.

An Eggstraordinary Feast, the North Union Farmers Market's annual spring fundraiser, will run from 6:30 to 9:30 p.m., April 23, at Eton Chagrin Boulevard in Woodmere. This is a new location for the ever-expanding throw down that helps support the region's family farmers. Among the 25 chefs offering taste-tempting morsels: Karen Small (Flying Fig, Ohio City), Adam Gidlow (On the Rise Bakery, Cleveland Hts.), Matthew Mathlage (Light Bistro, Ohio City), Doug Katz (Fire, Shaker Square), and Luigi Iannuvario (Bice, Tower City). Ticket prices start at $80, and include an open beer-and-wine bar, valet parking, market membership, and live entertainment. To reserve tickets by phone, call 216-751-7695.

Finally, here's early warning for Scene's Tasteful Affair, 7 to 10 p.m., May 17 at Windows on the River, in the Powerhouse. Now in its fifth year, the food-and-spirits sampling features signature dishes from more than 20 top hotspots. New this year: an Iron Fork competition, starring eight local chefs in a toque-to-toque smackdown. Advance tickets for the 21-and-over event are $30 each, or four for $100; click here to purchase, or call 216-721-5722 ext. 445. (Tickets at the door are $40.) A portion of the proceeds goes to benefit the Western Reserve Historical Society. Look for more details in Side Dish as the date nears. -- Elaine T. Cicora

Neko Case

This weekend's top arts and entertainment picks around town, from the guy who's paid to pick them:

Friday: Of all Bob Marley's kids who are making music, Stephen Marley
sounds the most like his dad. He's also the one who comes closest to Bob's aesthetic ethos. His just-released debut album, Mind Control, is a simmering mix of reggae rhythms and hip-hop beats. He has his dad's social spark, dropping rhymes with spiritual and political smarts. He's at House of Blues tonight.

Saturday: The Great Lakes Science Center opens the cool traveling exhibit Baseball As America today. It includes a bunch of memorabilia from Cooperstown: the trophy given to Lou Gehrig at his Yankee Stadium send-off; record-breaking home-run bats used by Babe Ruth, Roger Maris, and Mark McGwire; and a chunk of the left-field wall from Boston's famed Fenway Park. There are also tons of baseball cards, clothing, and equipment on view.

Sunday: We prefer the fun and bubbly Neko Case of the New Pornographers to the torch-country Neko Case who makes solid solo records like last year's Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. Either way, we love us some Neko Case, who has a solo show at the Beachland tonight. --Michael Gallucci

Badfish

Money Where Your Mouth Is:

Scene's music writers are so busy salivating over the new Bjork album that they're just turning the podium over to Tony Clifton, who plays in both Badfish and Scotty Don't, and will be be rocking the House of Blues (308 Euclid Ave, 523-BLUE) tonight. Clifton thinks you should come see him

Band: Badfish

Hometown: Providence, RI

Sounds like: "The vibe of Sublime."

Why you need to see them: "Each show is like a reunion, bringing people together from all around to celebrate the music, the culture, the sty-lee that is Sublime. Plainly put, Badfish is just a few fans whose mission is to keep Sublime's legacy rollin'. These show's being put on by Badfish: a Tribute to Sublime are a guaranteed good time. So come on out and raise a drink, or roast a bowl for the one and only Bradley Nowell and keep Sublime Alive!"

Band: Scotty Don't

Hometown: Providence, RI

Sounds like: "The head of Bob Marley, the rhythm of G-love, the heart of the Chili Peppers, and the soul of Sublime, garnished with a touch of the blues."

Fun Fact: "Scotty Don't is a magnifying glass focused on life. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all touched upon here. We can show you that the sad can bring good, there's humor in fear, and at the end of the day, we all want the same thing: some damn good music to call our own!"

Why you need to see them: "Who wouldn't want to see a few skilled, down-to-earth dudes rock the stage for an evening? These boys can produce a vibe like no other! They're at the top of my list and they'll be making their way up yours before you know it. I guess the real question isn't so much 'Why go to see this band?' as much as it is 'Why haven't you seen them yet?' Don't make an excuse... Make a trip to the Don't show!" --Tony Clifton, Badfish/Scotty Don't

I work in Cleveland Heights in the Fire Department ["Paradise Lost," March 21]. We have seen in just the past few years an increase in violence, drug overdoses, gang activity, and fires (from lack of upkeep of property and education on safety in the household). For us it is job security.

It is sad, but the city council seems to ignore or refuse to acknowledge there is a problem. Rather than talk about the growing problems, they debate other issues and pat themselves on the shoulder about ratifying the Kyoto Treaty or making Cleveland Heights a "Nuclear Free Zone."

Last year alone there were almost a dozen and a half shootings (several people are REALLY lucky to be alive) and we had over 20 stabbings, and over 200 assaults! We call the neighborhoods north of Mayfield Road "The NOM" (pronounced like the war). It stands for "North of Mayfield," and it describes the goings on there perfectly. A war zone every day, but you never hear or see about it in the news, so it goes ignored. The media tends to shy from REALLY looking at Cleveland Heights, andthey do a great job of PR at City Hall.

Good article. It's too bad that Cleveland Heights will ignore these issues still.

Liam
Cleveland Heights

Got a jones for some brass-knuckle bar-punk? Dropgun returns to the stage Friday, March 30 at Annabells (784 W. Market St., Akron, 330-535-1112). The band's last LP was 2005's solid-as-hell Devil Music, and the band has finally posted some new songs on its MySpace page.

"We'll probably keep doing that for a while," guitarist Paul Hooper says of the free-music campaign. "Lately I've been in the mood to just give out the stuff for free online. People seem to like it. I'm sure we'll get around to putting a new record together, but nothing in the immediate future. I'm thinking that CD's are a slowly dying format. I am trying to decide if maybe we should do a vinyl 7" for collectors and then offer songs for download."

Three quarters of the group also play in You Have Ten Seconds, a classic, blue-collar punk band that plays originals, Oi! classics, and favorites from Half Life, singer Jeff Lamm's former band. The band is also slowly chipping away at a record.

"I think we may be looking at a EP-sized CD in the near future," says Hooper. "Hell, we may even do a vinyl 7" record. Maybe we'll just cater to the collectors. I have another song I'm mixing right now that I'm gonna put up on MySpace, and we have one or two more written that we haven't completely fleshed out yet."

Click the video above for the group performing Half Life's "United and Strong." -- D.X. Ferris

Sally Florkiewicz hopes to share her gift for ineptitude with the rest of the community

Cuyahoga County Elections Board member Sally Florkiewicz has become the third member of the board to remove herself, following a swift kick in the ass by Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner. Last week Brunner ordered the four-member board to resign their positions, or she'd fire them. It's apparently a technique she borrowed from reality, where, unlike in the twisted world of Cuyahoga County, really sucking at your job doesn't get you a promotion.

The two Democrats on the board, Ed Coaxum and Loree Soggs, stepped out of the way last week, leaving the Republicans, Florkiewicz and Chairman Bob Bennett, standing alone in front of the firing squad. In a written statement to the press, Florkiewicz says she will resign her post in order to "serve the community in other ways."

She didn't elaborate on what those ways would be, but it's possible she may donate her brain to science so they can study the effects of doing nothing continuously for years on end. — Jared Klaus

Cleveland City Council has finally acknowledged the poisoning of thousands of children in its midst. But don't get too excited—your leaders aren't actually going to do anything about it.

Monday night, Council passed a resolution—non-binding, of course—urging Mayor Frank Jackson to consider suing Sherwin-Williams and other companies that sold lead paint for decades after they discovered it was toxic to kids ("The Poison Kids," Aug. 16, 2006). Most other big cities in Ohio have already filed suit. Yet Cleveland, home to one of the highest rates of childhood lead poisoning in the country, has been holding out.

Now time is running out. Friday is the last day to file if Cleveland wants to avoid major battles at the state level over whether such suits are even legal. ACORN, the community activist group, is pushing Jackson to make a decision fast.

Since the Invisible Mayor tends to move slower than Dick Cheney's pacemaker, we're not holding our breath. Expect a major announcement some time around Labor Day. — Lisa Rab

The Iron Maidens, Cleveland's female rugby team, showed why they were last year's national rugby finalists by winning the first two games of their season against Akron and Rochester.

Stormy conditions on Saturday made the game resemble a mud-wrestling match more than a sporting event. The ball was as slippery as a slimy sea creature, and the girls clobbered each other like WWE all-stars. "That bitch took out my leg," complained one Maiden who emerged from a pile with jagged scratches across her legs.

"My father's a wrestling coach, so he figured if I wasn't a wrestler, this would have to be the next best thing," one girl said.

But the fun didn't really begin until the teams arrived at The Kenilworth in Lakewood for the post-game drinking traditions. Pouring forth frothy Miller Lite and chewing on squares of pizza, the girls started pounding the table in preparation for the night's sing-off. The tawdry lyrics, sung in drunk, off-key notes, went something like this:

"Monday is a working day/
A working day/
Tuesday is a hmm day/
A hmm day/
Wednesday is a dancing day/
A dancing day/
Thursday is a practice day/
A practice day/
Friday is a fucking day/
A fucking day/
Saturday is game day/
game day

The rest of the bar, there to watch the college basketball playoffs, seemed miffed by the singing. A father escorting his toddler to the bathroom merely shook his head. But at least one table of yuppie guys were amused by the whole thing.

"I think I like Friday the best," he deadpanned. —Rebecca Meiser

I love reading haughty East Coasters ruminate over the phenomenon that is the Midwest.
So when the Columbia Journalism Review ran "Missing Middle" by NYC columnist Michael Massing, I knew I was in for some serious cringe time.

Massing contemplates why the Midwest is so poorly covered in the national media. Aside from blaming its general lack of presence in places like Ohio — they're too busy talking gentrification over $10 Red Stripes at some Lower Eastside bar — he also points to the destructive budget slashing at major daily newspapers throughout the Heartland.

While Massing's call to arms for more national coverage of our area was a much appreciated gesture, his own ignorance of who we really are as a people — quaint religious zealots who can't afford college — left me feeling that I don't really want New Yorkers coming in and writing about us after all. If you're flying in to simply cover mega churches and illiteracy, go home, please.

It reminds me of a recent flight I was on from Los Angeles. As the plane landed at Midway Airport in Chicago, the girl behind me said, "The Midwest — it's best known for being flat and boring. And everyone has a garage."

The main problem with America's misunderstanding of the Midwest is best illustrated by Professor Victoria Ekstrand of Bowling Green: "It's one thing to fly in and cover a news event and fly out. To understand the full context, you have to live in the community. I understand the country so much better now that I live here." — Denise Grollmus

Head up, Christmas Ale fans: On Monday, April 9 at precisely 4 p.m., Great Lakes Brewing Company barkeeps will tap the final two kegs of last year's Christmas Ale. The seasonal brew, rife with honey, spice, and everything nice, is generally only available from October through December. The timing of this final tapping is a nod to the repeal of Prohibition, which happened on April 7, 1934.

Christmas Ale can only be enjoyed on-premises, while supplies last; growlers and jugs will not be available. The award-winning brew will be featured in the Taproom and while dining only. Get it while you can! -- Elaine T. Cicora

While the departure-in-disgrace of Cuyahoga County Elections Board Director Michael Vu had brought conflict to our Asian stereotypes — he practiced Karate, yet was a complete moron — 18-year-old Yuan Yuan, a student at Western Reserve Academy, is intent on setting it straight.

Yuan Yuan, who goes by "Stanley" when he's interfacing with the rest of us imbeciles, won this year's Siemens Award for stellar scores on his math and science tests. Yet for Asians, excelling on tests is so 1995. So Yuan Yuan is taking his Chinese-ness to new heights.

According to an article in today's Plain Dealer, Yuan Yuan has patents pending on an earthquake-proof house and automatic navigation shoes to be used by blonde joggers or blind people. But he's still ironing out the details for a highway anti-collision system and a drive-through scheme for wholesale stores. By the time he's 25, he hopes to have every American man, woman, and child stuffing firecrackers for 25 cents an hour.

Read your fortune cookie, honkies: It's Yuan Yuan's world. We're just the stupid crackers he allows to eat General Tso's Chicken. -- Jared Klaus

Opening Days is just day away. The experts love the Tribe, giving us all the more reason to plop down big bucks for tickets, and to open that line of credit to buy us some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.

But if things follow tradition and go south, there is plenty of other, cheaper baseball to be found. The Tribe's Double A affiliate, the Akron Aeros, get under way next week. So do the Class A Lake County Captains. If you want to catch both teams at once — and double your helping of future Indian talent — they play an exhibition against each other on Tuesday.

And in coming years, there will be even more pro baseball within driving distance. Avon plans to bring a Frontier League team to the suburb, to play in a 120-acre recreational complex planned near I-90 and Route 622.

They may not have Grady and Pronk. But where else could you see a meltdown like the one in the video above. — Joe P. Tone

Barenaked Ladies come to town June 17

This week, 38 new shows including Britain's lovely Lily Allen, arena-rock icons Rush, and mope king Morrissey.

THIS WEEK: SUNDAY, ARPIL 1
The Moog: 7 p.m., no cover (all ages). Happy Dog, 5801 Detroit Ave., 216-651-9474.

THIS JUST IN

Bryan Adams/George Thorogood & the Destroyers: Fri., Aug. 10, 7:30 p.m., $25/$39.50/$55 (LiveNation.com). Tower City Amphitheater.

Lily Allen: Mon., June 4, 7 p.m. House of Blues.

Barenaked Ladies: Sun., June 17, 7:30 p.m., $29.50/$47.50/$60 (LiveNation.com). Plain Dealer Pavilion at Nautica.

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy: Fri., June 1, 7 p.m., $23. House of Blues.

The Bravery: Fri., May 25, 8 p.m., $15 ADV/$17 DOS. Agora Ballroom.

Chicago/America: Sat., June 16, 8 p.m., $25.75/$57.50/$75.50 (LiveNation.com). Tower City Amphitheater.

!!!: Mon., May 21, 10 p.m., $10 ADV/$12 DOS. Grog Shop.

Coffinberry CD release/This Moment in Black History/the Lindsay/Series: Sat., May 5, 9 p.m., $5. Beachland Tavern.

Don Caballero: Sat., May 26, 9 p.m., $8 ADV/$10 DOS. Grog Shop.

The Drams (ex-Slobberbone): Fri., June 29, 9 p.m., $8. Beachland Tavern.

Gran Bel Fisher: 11 p.m., free show in the Cambridge Room following Mat Kearney's show the HOB Music Hall, Fri., April 6. House of Blues.

Chris Garneau: Tue., May 22, 9 p.m., $7. Beachland Tavern.

Wayne Hancock: Fri., June 22, 9 p.m., $12. Beachland Tavern.

It's Only Rock & Roll: Sat. May 19, 6 p.m. Rock Hall fundraiser featuring Ronnit Spector, Billy Squier, Mitch Ryder, Tone Loc, Deniece Williams, Dr. Hook, A Taste of Honey, and Tom Cochrane. $10-$3,000 (Ticketmaster).

J. Medicine Hat: Mon., May 21; Tue., May 22. The Funny Stop Comedy Club.

Candye Kane/Blue Lunch: Thu., May 31, 8 p.m., $10. Wilbert's.

Richard Lloyd (ex-Television): Wed., May 16, 9 p.m., $10 ADV/$12 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Los Straitjackets', featuring Little Sandy: Rock en Espa< \#150>ol kids' show: 1-4 p.m., $8 ADV/$10 DOS, Sat., April 28. Beachland Tavern.

SPECIAL
No ticket service fees for Blossom and Tower City Amphitheater shows via LiveNation.com Saturday, March 31, 10 a.m.-2 p.m.

Casimir Pulaski was a Polish military officer who joined the American colonists during the Revolutionary War. It's said that Ben Franklin himself recommended to George Washington that Pulaski be added to his cavalry.

After saving Washington's life at the Battle of Brandywine, Pulaski was made a general and formed his own cavalry. He beat the British into kielbasa in Charleston, South Carolina, then mounted an assault on Savannah, Georgia in 1779, which cost him his life.

A monument to Pulaski was later built in Savannah, followed by a flurry of cities, counties, schools, roads, parades and bridges nationwide bearing his name. And since 1977, Pulaski Day has been celebrated twice a year, in March and October.

That still wasn't enough for Dennis Kucinich. There are almost 230,000 residents of Polish descent in Greater Cleveland, which means there may be as many as three who, having yet to grasp English, could vote for Kucinich by mistake while trying to punch the ballot for Barack Obama. So for two years, the congressman has sacrificed precious seconds from his usual quest of vain ambition to milk the legacy of this immigrant war hero.

Finally, he's broken through. House Joint Resolution 39 promises to best all the geographic, cultural, and infrastructural tributes by making Pulaski an honorary U.S. citizen posthumously. It's the equivalent of trying to sign a washed-up ballplayer for a day so you can say they retired with your team. — Jason Nedley