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Every wonder why rock-and-rolll types think it's hilarious to work "Hello Cleveland!" into their columns at every given opportunity? It's not just 'cuz we love Cleveland (we do), and not just 'cuz Cleveland rocks (it does), and not just 'cuz we love to hear ourselves type (we really do).

It's one of the classic lines from Spinal Tap, which was the definitive music mockumentary before Martin Scorcese's Bob Dylan: No Direction Home , a compelling yet futile argument that Dylan's music is worth listening to.

There it is. So for now: Goodbye, Cleveland. -- D.X. Ferris

The fabulous Mighty Diamonds play the Rock Hall's main stage February 23.

The Rock Hall will celebrate Black History Month with a series of events honoring reggae's history.

Unless otherwise noted, all events are free with a reservation. Members can RSVP starting January 19 by emailing edu@rockhall.org or calling 216-515-8426.

February 6, 4:30 p.m.
Case Western Reserve University Baker Nord Center Kenyon Professor Ennis Edmonds opens the month's program with a lecture, "Rastafari and Reggae: A Marriage Made in Jamaica."

February 7, 7 p.m.
Rock Hall, 4th Floor Theater
Jamaican Music on Film: An evening of reggae Cinema.

February 11,
Reggae brunch featuring Carlos Jones and the PLUS Band
Parkview Nite Club Restaurant,
1261 West 58th Street
Brunch starts at 11:00 a.m. The band will perform from 3 to 8 p.m. Admission is $5.

February 20, 7 p.m
Rock Hall, 4th Floor Theater
A Hall of Fame Series Q&A with inductee Chris Blackwell, founder of Island Records.

February 21, 7 p.m.
Roll Hall, 4th Floor Theater
From Songwriters to Soundmen: The People Behind the Hits lecture series continues with Mikey Dread, reggae star and Clash collaborator, who will perform with his band and discuss his career.

February 23, 8 p.m.
Rock Hall, Main Stage
A concert by reggae's premier harmony trio, the Mighty Diamonds. Cleveland's Dub Flex will open. Tickets are $10, available at the box office and via Ticketmaster.

February 26, 7 p.m
Rock Hall, 4th Floor Theater
Reggae scholar and collector Roger Steffens will present an evening of unreleased filmed interviews and performances by many legends of reggae. Steffens is the co-author of Bob Marley and the Wailers: The Definitive Discography and the founding editor of The [Reggae and African] Beat magazine.

February 27, 7 p.m.
Rock Hall, 4th Floor Theater
Toots Hibbert of Toots and the Maytals will close the month with an evening of music and conversation. Hibbert wrote the 1968 single "Do the Reggay," which is credited with giving the genre its name. -- DX Ferris

In today's Scene, First Punch reports that Cleveland Bishop Richard Lennon is a complete dick. Or at least, he was when he was still working in Boston, where he was caught on tape being an utter bastard to filmmaker Joe Cultrera, whose brother had been molested by a pervy Massachusetts priest.

You can watch Cultrera's documentary, Hand of God, here. It's broken into chapters. Lennon's cameo comes about five minutes into the film's 10th chapter, "Balancing Faith Against Outrage." (See the movie trailer above.)

Word to the wise: Have bucket handy, especially if you're Catholic. — Joe P. Tone

Great news arrived in the mail today from Lakeshore Buick Pontiac! You may remember this Shaker Heights dealership as the proud home of the $5 car ("The $5 Miracle," January 10). It's also the newest satellite of a company facing dozens of consumer complaints alleging that it misleads customers and sells damaged cars.

This week, Lakeshore is touting its best offer yet. According to the flier we received, I'm PRE-QUALIFIED* for a car loan of up to $27,000! (That is, as long as my credit clears.)

And, it gets better. If I take advantage of this special deal, I'll receive a "pre-paid TARGET Gift Card worth up to $5,000."**

Granted, the fine print informs me that my odds of actually winning a $5,000 card are 1 in 32,500. But, at least I'm "GUARANTEED" to get some kind of Target card worth... um...something.

Hurry now, seven days only. A winner has been notified by mail, and IT COULD BE YOU! — Lisa Rab

Say you're a visiting homo and have no clue where all the hotspots in Cleveland are. What to do? The Convention and Visitors Bureau of Greater Cleveland is coming to the rescue with a new travel guide featuring local gay businesses, stores, and galleries. The Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Community Center of Greater Cleveland is helping create and distribute the handbook.

Naturally, the move comes only four years after every other city started doing this. And you're out of luck if you're in town this weekend ... or even next month. The guide won't be published till sometime later this year, because that's how we do things around here.

Fortunately, Scene's very own Cris Glaser — incisive chronicler of all things gay — is always here for you every week with the most exhaustive listings of gay events in Cleveland. Behold. --Michael Gallucci

Everyone gets a gift bag from Dream Girl Direct, which sells clothes like this lady has on, perfect for fishing or high school reunions.

Velvet Dog manager Tino Rancone — one of Cleveland's most fearsome club promoters -- e-mailed us a couple days ago to be a "celebrity judge" at the club's first-ever "Party Your Pants Off Night" on February 9.

The name should say it all. At 11 p.m., contestants will "get down in their unmentionables" for a "Shake-Ur-Kahlua" competition. The amateur dancer who can shake, shimmy, and damn near shut down the swanky club for anti-nudity violations will score either a weekend stay at a downtown hotel or $100 cash.

Nobody goes home empty-handed, though. Everyone will get a gift bag from Dream Girl Direct. And outfits from the exotic-lingerie distributor will be auctioned off to benefit the American Heart Association. At 10 p.m., Cleveland fashionista Priscilla will emcee a lingerie show. Clubhoppers can also dance with the Kahlua Girls while getting looped on free shots of the liqueur.

Then the judging begins. But hey, somebody's gotta do it, right? — Cris Glaser

30 Seconds to Mars takes on the Agora March 19

New this week: 37 hot shows...

Staind frontman Aaron Lewis unplugs for a solo tour. Hair-metal faves Girlschool return. The Blood Brothers bring their spazzed-out screamo to the Agora. And that dreamy guy from My So-Called Life brings his ab-fab band, 30 Seconds to Mars, to town. We're so there!

In musical tribute news, the Akron Symphony won't be performing the music of Pink Floyd, but Michigan's the Surrogate Band will. And nine-girl European sensation MT-TV will join AC/DC tribute band Bonfire for its annual Bon Scott memorial show.

THIS JUST IN

Almost Queen (Queen tribute): Fri., Feb. 23, 8 p.m., $10. House of Blues.

Ambulette/the New Trust/Viadora/the Midnight Passenger: Mon., March 12, 8 p.m., $7. Grog Shop.

The Ataris/Asobi Seksu/Wax on Radio: Thu., March 8, 7 p.m., $15. House of Blues.

The Black Angels: Mon., April 2, 9 p.m., $10. Beachland Tavern.

The Blood Brothers/Celebration: Mon., March 26, 8 p.m., $13. Agora Ballroom.

Bonfire (AC/DC tribute)/30 Seconds Out/MT-TV: Bon Scott memorial show, Fri., Feb. 16, 7 p.m., $10. House of Blues.

Ryan Crosson (aka Berg Nixon): Tue., Feb. 27. Touch Supper Club.

Dean & Britta (from Luna): Wed., March 14, 9 p.m., $12 ADV/$14 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Mikey Dread/Broke by Monday: Tue., Feb. 20, $10 ADV/$12 DOS. Grog Shop.

Antje Duvekot: Wed., March 28, 8 p.m., $8 ADV/$10 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Girlschool/Daze: Sun., March 25, 9 p.m., $15. Beachland Ballroom.

Terry Grant (Bedrock Recordings): Sat., Feb. 24. Cloud 9 Ultra Lounge.

Ann Hampton Callaway: Wed., March 14, 7:30 p.m., $25-$45 (Tickets.com). Palace Theatre.

Hit the LightsValencia/Forgive Durden/Love Arcade: Wed., April 18, 6 p.m. Grog Shop.

Hookers & Blow: Thu., Feb. 22, $10. The Funky Frog.

Jedi Mind Tricks/Grayskul: Wed., April 4, 9 p.m., $12 ADV/$14 DOS. Grog Shop.

Bill Kirchen: Fri., March 30, 8 p.m., $12 ADV/$15 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Chris Knight: Thu., April 12, 8 p.m., $14 ADV/$16 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Th' Legendary Shack*Shakers: Wed., March 21, 9:30 p.m., $8, 21 and over/$10, 18-20. Lime Spider.

Aaron Lewis (of Staind): Solo acoustic, Fri., March. 2, 7 p.m., $30. House of Blues.

The 2007 Moondog Coronation Ball, featuring Blood Sweat & Tears, Chuck Negron (ex-Three Dog Night), the Association, the Buckinghams, and Chad & Jeremy: Sat., March 24, 7 p.m., $32/$47/$62 (Ticketmaster). Quicken Loans Arena.

Mo Mojo Mama Band: Mardi Gras celebration, Tue., Feb. 20, 7 p.m., $10. Nighttown.

Monotonix: Mon., April 9, 9 p.m., $6. Beachland Tavern.

Peeping Tom (featuring Mike Patton): Sat., April 14, 8 p.m., $20 ADV/$23 DOS. Agora Ballroom.

The Placebo Effect/the Mistaken: Sun., Feb. 25, 6 p.m., $7. Grog Shop.

RJD2/Busdriver/Happy Chichester: Thu., April 19, 9 p.m., $15. Grog Shop.

Say Hi to Your Mom: Wed., April 4, 9 p.m., $8. Beachland Tavern.

Scene Ultra Music DJ Battle: Thu., March 1-Sat., March 3. Twist.

Stone Sour/Lacuna Coil/Shadows Fall: Jagermeister Music Tour. Sun., April 1, 6 p.m., $28.50. House of Blues.

The Surrogate Band (Pink Floyd tribute): Sat., Feb. 24, 9:30 p.m., $10. Wilbert's.

Tempest Release Party Tour: Dead by Wednesday/Wolfpac/Boondox/JCW stars: Hosted by ICP, Mon., Feb. 26, 7:30 p.m., $15 ADV/$20 DOS. Agora Theatre.

Tequila Sunrise (Eagles tribute): Sat., March 24, 8 p.m., $13.50. House of Blues.

Robin Thicke: Sun., March 4, 8:30 p.m., $20. House of Blues Cambridge Room.

30 Second to Mars: Mon., March 19, 7:30 p.m., $20 ADV/$22 DOS. Agora Theatre.

The Tragically Hip: Sat., April 14, 7 p.m., $25. House of Blues.

Chris Trapper (of Pushstars): Fri., March 23, 7:30 p.m., $8. Beachland Tavern.

Unleashed/Krisiun/Belphegor/Decrepit/Embalmer: Sat., Feb. 10, 7 p.m. Peabody's.

NEW DATE

Frog Eyes: Fri., May 25, 9 p.m., $8. Beachland Tavern.

CANCELED

Liquid Soul: Fri., Feb. 2. Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and Museum.

Akron Symphony Orchestra Performs the Music of Pink Floyd: Sat., Feb. 24, (Ticketmaster). E.J. Thomas Hall.

As I was reading your story ["The City That Never Works," January 10]. It kind of bothered me that throughout the story you mention that the guy who stole from Christina was Puerto Rican. How did you know he was Puerto Rican? Did he call her and say that he was? Because as the story continues on, it does not mention a Puerto Rican any more -- it keeps talking about a white kid.

It is very bad when a reporter marks a person's heritage without having the facts straight. You have given Puerto Ricans all over a very bad name. A good reporter works with real facts, and if you are not sure about it, don't write it until you are.

My boyfriend is from Cleveland and I read you on clevescene.com all the time. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Not all Puerto Ricans are criminals.

Iris N. Ortiz
Brooklyn, N.Y.

This is terrible ["Tomb With a View," January 10]. Apparently the government is not doing what they are supposed to be doing to protect people. Why aren't people boycotting these stores? Maybe if sales dropped, the thing will shut down. This is a scary discrace.

Colleen Loftus
Lakewood

As last week's protest revealed, if you're gonna protest cruelty to animals, it's always best to bring some naked ladies

On a blistery cold Thursday afternoon last week, 18 people stood freezing outside the Lerner Research Center in anticipation of yet another PETA protest -- this one against the Cleveland Clinic for allowing a dog to be killed in a sales demonstration. Of the 18 people there, however, 18 were members of the media and zero were actual PETA members.

Finally, 15 minutes after the start of the scheduled protest, Dr. Steve Kaufman arrived, ready to hold the PETA torch. "Why are you here?" one media personality asked him.

"I fancy myself extremely photogenic," the bald opthalmologist joked.

"I don't think you'll have a choice," another television reporter muttered, looking around at the lack of attendees.

Soon after, group leader D.S. Resch arrived wearing a ski suit, a fake suede jacket, and heavy boots. "Sorry, parking problems," he said.

Can you tell us what's going to happen here? a reporter asked.

Resch nodded, and hoisted up a sign reading "Cleveland Clinic's Death of a Salesdog." He explained that another PETA member would don a dog suit as a way of illustrating this point. Only problem: No one actually knew where the dog-dressing member was.

No worries, though. Another protestor had arrived.

Thank God! thought the media people. Someone else to talk to!

Only it turned out that the protestor was actually protesting PETA.

The organization is "very hypocritical," said Bob Bushok, holding up a sign that read petakillsanimals.com. "They're protesting the killing of a dog, when they actually kill 90% of their own animals."

Huh. That doesn't make very good TV. few of the TV reporters turned away.

Finally, the dog-suit donning member arrived, explaing that she too had trouble parking. Putting a furry, Snoopy-looking costume on over her jacket, the woman looked much more like a Dsney World character greeting her fans than a mad protestor.

Nonetheless, the 18 media members silently cheered her arrival, as it meant they could all get their visuals and go home. Indeed, after all the footage was shot, the media quickly dispersed, leaving the three protestors to their very cold selves.

"Now who wants to go to KFC for some tasty chicken wings?" one of the camera men called out. — Rebecca Meiser

In 1988, Anthony Michael Green was convicted of a rape he didn't commit.

It would be 13 years before DNA evidence would finally exonerate Green. As soon as he was set free, he filed a lawsuit against the City of Cleveland. Green demanded that they do an audit of the city police laboratory. The feds were on it right away.

In 2005, the federal audit revealed that forensic analyst Joseph Serowik had falsely testified against Green. Though his lab notes indicated that there was no forensic match to Green at the scene of the crime, he testified otherwise. Serowik was quickly fired. It appeared that justice had been served.

But it now appears there were two more victims on Serowik's list.

In 1997, a 74-year-old was beaten into a coma. Fingerprints on her body put Jason Smith at the scene of the crime.

In order to reach a plea bargain, Smith pinned the beating on two other men, Thomas Siller and Walter Zimmer. A year later, they were convicted of attempted murder.

But when the elderly woman died in 2001, Siller and Zimmer were retried for aggravated murder. Thanks to Serowik's forensic work, they were both found guilty and each sentenced to 40 years in prison without parole.

Now The Innocence Project, a non-profit that helped exonerate Green, says that DNA evidence should set both men free. "DNA proves that these men were convicted based on false evidence," says co-director Barry Scheck.

The convictions were largely Serowik's fault, he asserts. "There are only two possible explanations for what happened in this case. Either Serowik never conducted the tests that he said he did, or he conducted the tests and lied about the results."

The Innocence Project filed motions to vacate both convictions. But the question remains: Who else is on Serowik's list of wrongly convicted men? --Denise Grollmus

A year ago, Premsuda Jantarapet, a 42-year-old Thai woman living in Parma, accused Rev. Richard Manning of raping her several times, then threatening to have her deported if she squealed. Manning, Parma Baptist Church's pastor, denied raping her but admitted sleeping with her -- despite the very inconvenient fact that he'd been married for almost 20 years.

A jury believed the pastor: he was acquitted last summer ("What would Jesus Say?" August 23, 2006). But Jantarapet hopes a civil jury will see things her way. She recently sued Manning, accusing him of using his position of authority to gain her trust and then forcing himself on her.

(Manning's lawyer, Sean Allen, says it was Jantarapet that befriended Manning, who "vehemently denies" forcing himself on the woman).

But Jantarapet's suit doesn't stop at the pastor: She also blames the church for hiring Manning in the first place. The 48-year-old pastor was fired from an international ministry job in 1998, the lawsuit claims. The offense: sleeping with a parishioner.

All of which makes C-Notes wonder: Does that collection plate have a return policy? -- Joe P. Tone

Johnny La Rock got no time for race in his rap

Scene contributor Fast Eddie Fleisher, also known by the nom de rap Johnny La Rock, weighs in on the whole white rapper thing, as seen on VH1, and recently discussed in this very blog:

As a fan of hip-hop and a "white rapper" myself, I am severely offended by VH1's The White Rapper Show.

First off, here's a network that wouldn't even play rap videos for the longest time. It's only in the past few years that they've suddenly embraced the genre. However, it seems that by embracing it, they're also ruining it. Maybe that's the plan. Look at what they did with Flavor Flav. It's all negative images of hip-hop. They're exploiting the down sides.

Now they've done it again with another lame reality show based on finding the next great white rapper. Could that title be any more racist? Since when is it cool to name what someone does by adding their race in front of it? Should that even matter? An MC is an MC regardless of their race. If they have what it takes, color shouldn't matter in the slightest.

The show is hosted by MC Serch (of 3rd Bass), who I used to admire. However, it looks like he's hit some hard times financially and is willing to sell his soul for some easy cash. I mean, with all the shit he faced for the color of his skin when he came up, you'd think he would steer clear of keeping the label alive.

Hip-hop is so big now, it's a multi-cultural experience. It's not closed to one group of people. In fact, white people have been a huge part (mostly behind the scenes in the past) of the art-form since it started. This is a genre that was based on unity, not segregation.

Furthermore, there's a lot of different types and styles of rappers. The casting people at VH1 apparently aren't clear on that. Or, they thought it'd be funny to take a bunch of white dudes who try to talk black and act completely unnatural. Thanks a lot.

It's hard enough battling that negative stereotype when I tell people I make hip-hop. People seem to think rap is one-sided. Now, with this stupid show, MORE people are going to think that way. MC Serch, VH1, and everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves. Hip-hop deserves better.

For information on a compilation I am putting together to spotlight hip-hop from a different perspective, check out my website. And yes, the disc has several white rappers. — Eddie Fleisher

We've gotten used to seeing 12-buck cocktails on local menus, but the $1,500 martini at Vue in Hudson is in a class all its own.

While the very thought of such a thing could knock regular folks off their Natty Lite for the next two weeks, there's more to this top-shelf 'tini than merely Stoli Elite, poured into a Swarovski crystal embedded martini glass. Try two olives -- skewered on a custom-made, 14-karat white and yellow gold stickpin, garnished with 15 round, brilliant cut diamonds and accented with a peridot "olive."

"It's really beautiful," gushes GM Niki Walunis. And while the restaurant hasn't actually sold any yet, "lots of women have been sending their husbands in to take a look at it for Valentine's Day."

Along with the glass, the pin, and the booze, the $1,500 tab includes free refills and dinner at the handsome Hudson restaurant.

And here we used to think blue-cheese stuffed olives were indulgent. -- Elaine T. Cicora

Cleveland's resurrected improv-comedy troupe, Something Dada, chose a fitting theme song for last week's inaugural performance in its new digs. As the house lights dimmed, the audience heard the strains of "Movin' On Up" from the '70s sitcom, The Jeffersons.

Like George and Weezie, the 10-member cast has relocated to the East Side. The comics are now holed up in the Wooltex section of the Tower Press Building at the corner of Superior Avenue and East 19th Street. The move comes a year after they were forced out of their underground theater, Cabaret Dada, on West 6th Street, where they fell behind in the rent after thieves broke into their safe and ran off with $2,000. And 12 years of dealing with chronic plumbing leaks and noise from the nearby bars didn't help matters.

In their Tower Press debut, the cast revived many of their onstage games, like "World's Worst," in which audience members bark out different professions. The comedians take on the roles of the most incompetent workers in the list of suggested occupations. Take Russel Stich's portrayal of a pot-smoking pilot: "Hey, everybody, I'm high," he bellows to the audience. "You know when you're high when your mouth is too dry."

Opening night filled up three-quarters of the 96-seat theater. The company will continue to perform every Friday and Saturday night. And Stich doesn't regret the comeback. "It's hard to see something like this fall to the wayside and just die off," he says. "We're not getting rich from this by any stretch. But it's something that's unique to Cleveland." — Cris Glaser