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When we open a letter from a reader and two clipped-out ads from our rag fall out – you know, ads that prominently feature what goes under them apple bottomed jeans – we’re expecting a tirade about our “smut.” But apparently to some, a fine tail feather inspires religious devotion. Imagine our surprise and delight to read the following whimsical missive, carefully penned on yellow legal paper, from a dear reader. …

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The Black Keys are on Late Night With Conan O'Brien tonight. Be sure to watch, because a year from now, when Jimmy Fallon takes over the spot, the show will totally suck. --Michael Gallucci

Jason Beudert’s restaurant-consulting business has a sort of stuffy name – Vista Hospitality and Logistics Group sounds more like something out of Clancy novel. But Beudert, it turns out, is a pretty down-to-earth dude. That’s good news for fans of upscale boozing, since Beudert and partner Greg Costa will soon reopen Tremont’s long-struggling 806 Wine & Martini Bar, probably in mid-June.

“It has a great reputation, and a wonderful location,” Beudert tells C-Notes. “Now let’s help it live up to its potential.” ...

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"Le Mayor, Francois Jackson.

Since the dawn of civilization, France has built its reputation as a safe haven for eccentrics and the occasional jackass. But even they’ll be unprepared for the crew of weirdos headed from Cleveland to Paris next Thursday.

As reported by the Plain Dealer this morning, Mayor Frank Jackson and four city officials will make the trip, which will cost taxpayers $14,000, in an effort to show off the first nonstop flight from Hopkins Airport to Paris. Once there, according to the PD, the group will “spend its time… marketing the city to French business and political leaders.” They might as well claim plans to paint the Eiffel tower burnt-Browns orange. ...

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Just dandy.

Yes, Panic at the Disco come off as prancing dandies, with all that guyliner and circus shit. But they also write some catchy tunes, despite burdening them with Oklahoma-sized titles like “There’s a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought of It Yet” and “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage.”

Panic’s 2005 debut, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, sounded a bit like Fall Out Boy’s baby brother – little surprise since the group was signed to Fall Out Boy’s label and pretty much mentored by Boy’s Pete Wentz. But on the new Pretty. Odd, Panic (now without that misplaced exclamation point) dig through their parents’ record collections and come out sounding like Magical Mystery Tour-era Beatles ...

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For our next trick, we'll make this six-pack disappear and then drunk-dial our ex.

I’m not sure what makes your head spin faster: Cleveland magician Paul Gallagher’s blink-or-you’ll-miss card tricks or the $3 Magic Hat #9 microbrews at West End Tavern’s Magic Wednesdays. So I consulted one of the bar’s regulars to give me his take on the weekly Houdinifest. “Paul’s a pro at what he does,” he says about Gallagher. “He’s right in your face with his sleight-of-hand. Pretty amazing guy.”

Customers here are just as down with the brew as with the act. Made by Vermont’s Magic Hat Brewing Company, the beer is described as a “sort of dry, crisp, fruity, refreshing, not-quite” English ale on the company’s website. Our regular sums it up as a “tart and tangy with a big apricot smell.” He also says it’s moderately fizzy. “The brew is light, so it’s a good change-of-pace beer for the summer,” says Gigliotti. Magic Wednesdays start at 8:30 tonight at the West End Tavern, 18514 Detroit Avenue in Lakewood. Admission is free. Call 216-521-7684 for more info. --- Cris Glaser

It’s no secret that Jhonny Peralta plays shortstop like he’s wearing a set of iron loafers. If the ball isn’t hit directly at him, Jhonny seems to miss every groundball by one step. (Even when it is hit at him, that only precedes an adventurous throw to the surprisingly limber Ryan Garko.) Either opposing hitters have an uncanny ability to ground swiftly to just avoid Peralta’s outstretched arms, or he’s just a step too slow to get to balls just out of his zone.

This wouldn’t be a huge problem if he were hitting like Peralta Version 2005-2006, but he’s chilling around the Mendoza line these days, which is never a good thing for your starting shortstop. Be a great fielder, or a great hitter, or preferably both. Just don’t be neither. (Click 'More' to keep reading ...)

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Plus, after the jump: Add Scalabrine to the list of guys you don't want to see shirtless.

Watching this Celtics-Cavs series on TV, you probably only noticed Brian Scalabrine if you have Godlike HD. That’s ‘cause the painfully redheaded center isn’t eligible to play. Instead, he prowls the bench area in an ill-fitting suit, Boston’s doppelganger to our Lance Allred.

But Scalabrine’s been blowing up the internet-sports-junkie circuit. You know, the guys that refresh their browser on Deadspin.com every six minutes and spend three hours isolating for Youtube the moment that Lebron tells his mom to “Sit yo’ ass down!” That’s because, on the heels of the Cavs-Wizards Round 1, in all its ridiculous Jay-Z vs. Soulja Boy glory, Brian Scalabrine’s got a LeBron diss track out. ...

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If these guys lived in Brecksville, could they attend the prom?

On a recent sunny afternoon, C-Notes headed out to the real life Pleasantville that is Brecksville to find out if the rumors were true: Was Brecksville High really banning gay students from its prom?

According to our spies – well planted at a certain North Royalton beauty salon – the suburban school district has a longstanding rule that decrees students can only attend prom if they have a date of the opposite sex. The reasoning went that the school couldn’t actually ban just gay students, so it had to make an all encompassing rule that would readily exclude dateless wall flowers and mathaletes too. That way, no one could be accused of being a homophobe…

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The mark of the devil.

Unsightly accoutrements have long been a part of TV viewing. The satellite dish. The cable box. Rabbit ears. But as technology has progressed, the eyesores have only gotten bigger. Enter the fourth-generation of cable TV’s aesthetic nightmare: the AT&T U-Verse box.

“It’s like having an outhouse on your tree lawn,” says Lakewood City Councilman Kevin Butler of the refrigerator-sized hazards that are springing up in front of homes...

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Is it time to call an Amber alert or something?

The coveted title of Creepiest Guy at the Cleveland Schools has long rested with Nick Jackson, the mayor’s brother and longtime patronage appointee. Two female employees -- one at City Hall and one at the school district — have accused him of sexual harassment. It got so bad that one woman, Helen Piffard, quit after the district’s investigation of him turned into a smear job about her.

But lately, Ron Kisner has been giving Jackson a run for his money…

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Okay, so David Caruso is way cooler than us. Especially when he's wearing sunglasses. But we knew about swatting before he did. So there.

When we first reported in January about a new troubling phone prank known as “swatting,” the trend was so new it wasn’t even on Wikipedia yet.

As we wrote back then, swatting was started by a group of “frenemies” who participated in a phone chat room. To prove their superiority, they would play practical jokes on each other.

At first, the pranks were silly, such as calling in fake pizza orders for their enemies. When that got tiresome, a chat line participant figured out a way to get people’s water and electricity shut off. Soon, people were going whole weekends without air or heat. But four years ago, the pranks grew dangerous…

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During the post-game press conference after Cleveland’s 88-77 victory over the Celtics, coach Mike Brown was asked about LeBron’s poor shooting in the series so far. He responded by saying that King James is going to come out of his current funk, and that he told his superstar that if he’s open for a three-pointer 12 times, that he should shoot 12 times – just keep throwing the ball up there. He followed that by saying he kept telling James to remain aggressive and keep going to the hole.

These seem like two disparate ideas, one of which hypothetically and logically makes perfect sense, and the other, well, the other sounds like the scheme of a coach on the take with big money against his own team. Can you guess which is which? ...

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Cliff Lee: the newest proof that selling your soul is totally worth it.

Part of the charm of a day game -- especially the first half of a doubleheader -- is that the stadium is so quite and empty that you can hear every heckle. You sit where you want, tear open a bag of peanuts, and enjoy the organ music while thinking of verbal barbs to hurl at the nearest opposing player.

The first half of yesterday’s old-school Tribe doubleheader began that way, but quickly ended. As is the case with Cavs playoff basketball, the plaza between the Prog and the Q was home to a fanfest of sorts – lots of games for kids, the Cavs cheerleaders, and loud music. Around the 4th or 5th inning, anyone sitting in the bleachers or the left field seats to watch baseball enjoyed not the crack of the bat nor the quiet of a park filled with roughly 37 people, but rather the pounding bass and loud music you would expect standing just outside the door of a club on West 6th on a Saturday night. It just didn’t mesh, and had I not been watching a day baseball game in the middle of a workday, it really would have pissed me off. ...

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Look, we’re sorry we unleashed Jim Brown upon the nation. But this time, Ohio shouldn’t be blamed for the negligence of others.

A story in yesterday’s Minneapolis Star Tribune wonders aloud if the buckling of our state’s I-90 bridge 12 years ago was a warning sign that failed to go off.

In 1996, structural engineers blamed the failure of some steel gusset plates for the buckling of the I-90 bridge over the Grand River, forcing it to shut down for five months. But nobody told Minnesota – or, in all likelihood, anyone else -- about the dangers of corroding steel gusset plates. Of course, a decade later, a Minneapolis bridge fell into the Mississippi, killing 13 people and injuring 145.

“It is unclear exactly what MnDOT officials knew about the Ohio incident,” the Star Tribune writes, although it seems pretty clear: not enough. ...

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